Honesty
Honesty has been what has got me through this experience. When I have intrusive thoughts or urges voicing them out loud helps to disburse them and somehow they lose their power and I can't act on them no matter how dark. I am lucky I have a great team of people to talk to. My Dr, My Counsellor, My Support Group at Pacific Post Partum Support Society, and Family Therapist as well as my Husband and Mum in law.
I will be honest in this blog even if it paints me in the most unflattering light. Don't worry my child is safe, I have done a lot of work in the last year and a half to find new ways to cope with my depression and anger. I haven't harmed my daughter in about a year. Today I slipped up. I can usually leave the room and take it out on a pillow or something safe. I've never given her bruises or drawn blood or caused her to go to the hospital. It doesn't excuse the behavior. I have been working closely with my team to change my evil ways. My Husband is upset at the use of the word evil. When I say evil I mean the Post Partum Depression, Bi Polar, and a deeply dysfunctional and abusive childhood.
The price I pay for my sickness is the weakening of our bond. She chooses her Dad over me or even someone else who's come to visit. It's like I'm not there. I love her so desperately but when she ignores me it hurts so badly so believe me when I say I am continually punished for my sins.
Someone in my group said they grew up with a depressed mother who eventually gave up on trying to win her back so she encouraged me to keep trying to win my daughter back.
One thing I discovered is that if I write down the moments where she and I connect where she initiates some play or affection it helps me imprint them on my heart so when she rejects me I know I've at least had those one or two moments that day.
I shouldn't be so hard on myself but I have to be until I can be the kind of mother I want to be. Pure of heart and mind, patient, loving with the skin of a rino and the heart of a lion. If I am honest then I hope someone out there is inspired by my honesty and they seek help or are comforted by my words and find they are not alone.
I will be honest in this blog even if it paints me in the most unflattering light. Don't worry my child is safe, I have done a lot of work in the last year and a half to find new ways to cope with my depression and anger. I haven't harmed my daughter in about a year. Today I slipped up. I can usually leave the room and take it out on a pillow or something safe. I've never given her bruises or drawn blood or caused her to go to the hospital. It doesn't excuse the behavior. I have been working closely with my team to change my evil ways. My Husband is upset at the use of the word evil. When I say evil I mean the Post Partum Depression, Bi Polar, and a deeply dysfunctional and abusive childhood.
The price I pay for my sickness is the weakening of our bond. She chooses her Dad over me or even someone else who's come to visit. It's like I'm not there. I love her so desperately but when she ignores me it hurts so badly so believe me when I say I am continually punished for my sins.
Someone in my group said they grew up with a depressed mother who eventually gave up on trying to win her back so she encouraged me to keep trying to win my daughter back.
One thing I discovered is that if I write down the moments where she and I connect where she initiates some play or affection it helps me imprint them on my heart so when she rejects me I know I've at least had those one or two moments that day.
I shouldn't be so hard on myself but I have to be until I can be the kind of mother I want to be. Pure of heart and mind, patient, loving with the skin of a rino and the heart of a lion. If I am honest then I hope someone out there is inspired by my honesty and they seek help or are comforted by my words and find they are not alone.
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