Things that make me smile. Things that make me cry.
Finding her little white sock in my bag when I'm looking for something else. Sending in some papers for an appointment and the envelope is covered in red crayon scribbles. Sometimes I can't believe I have this little person. Whom I carried in my belly and gave birth to. Right now she babbles away in her room not sleeping. "Mamma! Dadda! and then jabbering. Cata Cat!". I love it. I turn the music off because she now can say Mamma and I love to hear it.
I wish I had taken more video and photos of those early days. I constantly try to recall it. I've had some wonderful moments that I cherish but sometimes I wish I could press the reset button and have a "do over".
We are trying to have another baby and whatever will be will be. My chances are 12% or less of conceiving. So Why why why! am I to putting myself through this heartache?? Definitely part of it is trying to right the wrongs from the first time. The pictures from the early days and I think I should of just worn her on me constantly but I was sick for the first 10 months of her life and it makes sense that she is closer to her Dad and Grandma. It has been so hard for me to rebuild our relationship. I love that she loves her father the way she does but I need more balance.
Today I had some good moments with her. Everyday there are a few. There are also times when she kicks and hits me away and I have to go in my room and cry. She'll be distraught that her Dad is not around and she doesn't want me to read her the book or brush her teeth. It kills me every time. What have I done or not done to her that she feels this way towards me? Sometimes I feel like I am being punished.
Today was a good day in that she didn't have any major tantrums. She did reject me a few times but she also sought me out a few times and offered affection so it was easy to get through those negative reactions. One thing that helps immensely is having baths with her. The skin to skin contact, I'm down on her level, we can just play. Tonight she had fun pouring water on my head. Somehow our connection improves for a bit.
I am struggling with my body image. I feel still grossly overweight and even though I have lost some inches because of my twice weekly workouts. I have a long way to go. Someone asked me just yesterday if I was expecting. There I was just sitting on the couch enjoying the conversation. I am so used to this happening. It became almost a daily occurrence when I went to Home Depot this summer. But I have been working so hard why is this still happening? I look in the mirror and rather than be grateful for my health and for the body that gave me my daughter. I am full of self loathing. Being over forty doesn't help. It's harder to spring back. I wonder what it would be like to be free of these thoughts? I wonder what it would be like to lose the fat once and for all and be comfortable with what I see? How that time and energy could be used elsewhere.
I wish I had taken more video and photos of those early days. I constantly try to recall it. I've had some wonderful moments that I cherish but sometimes I wish I could press the reset button and have a "do over".
We are trying to have another baby and whatever will be will be. My chances are 12% or less of conceiving. So Why why why! am I to putting myself through this heartache?? Definitely part of it is trying to right the wrongs from the first time. The pictures from the early days and I think I should of just worn her on me constantly but I was sick for the first 10 months of her life and it makes sense that she is closer to her Dad and Grandma. It has been so hard for me to rebuild our relationship. I love that she loves her father the way she does but I need more balance.
Today I had some good moments with her. Everyday there are a few. There are also times when she kicks and hits me away and I have to go in my room and cry. She'll be distraught that her Dad is not around and she doesn't want me to read her the book or brush her teeth. It kills me every time. What have I done or not done to her that she feels this way towards me? Sometimes I feel like I am being punished.
Today was a good day in that she didn't have any major tantrums. She did reject me a few times but she also sought me out a few times and offered affection so it was easy to get through those negative reactions. One thing that helps immensely is having baths with her. The skin to skin contact, I'm down on her level, we can just play. Tonight she had fun pouring water on my head. Somehow our connection improves for a bit.
I am struggling with my body image. I feel still grossly overweight and even though I have lost some inches because of my twice weekly workouts. I have a long way to go. Someone asked me just yesterday if I was expecting. There I was just sitting on the couch enjoying the conversation. I am so used to this happening. It became almost a daily occurrence when I went to Home Depot this summer. But I have been working so hard why is this still happening? I look in the mirror and rather than be grateful for my health and for the body that gave me my daughter. I am full of self loathing. Being over forty doesn't help. It's harder to spring back. I wonder what it would be like to be free of these thoughts? I wonder what it would be like to lose the fat once and for all and be comfortable with what I see? How that time and energy could be used elsewhere.
Comments