The Road

It was my dream to sit in a cafe and write this. My time is not my own anymore. Only under pure duress can I take a day off to try and sort things out. I tried to take time away today to think and take care of a few things. Since Saturday the baby has not been sleeping well and so neither have we had a good night's sleep since. Sleep deprivation is what sent me to the hospital so I don't cope well at all. Especially since I have only recently gained back my strength and some sanity. We are wondering if this is the new normal. Sometimes it seems that I have no soothing powers whatsoever. She supposed to collapse into my arms and find comfort. But she doesn't. Instead she screams and cries and pushes me away and lately wont nurse. My heart breaks.
Lately I have felt low, lower and more irritable than I have in a long time. I felt like the mother in the movie "The Road" I couldn't live in this world anymore and I wanted to go away and never come back. This movie says so many things about humanity and love. It's kind of serendipitous that it aired tonight because it reminds me I want to live. I don't live in an apocalypse and I have a beautiful family and my health to take care of.